On October 30, my life changed. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but it was one the hardest decisions and things I ever had to do. I remember it all so vividly. I woke up Saturday morning (Oct 29) in Austin, and I was completely defeat and distraught. My thoughts and completely consumed everything I had inside of me. I remember feeling so much unhappiness that day and I couldn’t bare it any longer. I drove down to SA in hopes of seeing my family and feeling happiness…I desperately needed to be happy. But even when I was around them, I couldn’t be myself anymore. Later that night I struggled so hard with what I knew I had to do…I remember not even knowing what to say. How was I supposed to tell the man I was in a relationship with for three years that I was never truly in love with him? So I told I wasn’t happy anymore. I told him that I needed to work on myself and I truly did. Hearing the pain in his voice brought me so much heartache. But I knew that I had to put an end to putting him before myself. I was hurting myself to make him because that’s how much I loved him, but I needed to start loving myself again.
The beginning was the hardest. I was so used to having in my life, what would I do without my best friend? But I knew that I made the right decision. A few weeks passed and I was still truly sadden about the break up. And I knew he was too. How could the right thing feel so awful?
About a month and a half later I was completely liberated. Up until then I was sadden about the break up. But after that moment, it’s like something changed in me and I was completely happy again. It was the happiest I had been in years. After that I became “the bitch”. I was cold and heartless and held no remorse. I boosted about my happiness without a care in the world. And I understand how cold hearted I was, but no one understood that for once I was happy. I was miserable for the longest time and for once I was truly and utterly happy. I was on this high and it was amazing. And there was no way I was apologizing or holding back my happiness when I had tortured myself for so long. No one understood, and I don’t think anyone will ever understand.
I had this epiphany and things were clear now. I hadn’t realized how unhappy I was in my relationship, not until the end. But once I became happy I realized how unhappy I actually was and I hated myself for that. In my first relationship I put a man before me and once again I had done it unknowingly. Yet, again I had sacrificed my happiness for a man and I hated myself for it. No one understood it at the time and neither did I. I then began to remember things about the relationship I just ended. I remembered our arguments we would have and it angered me. I remember the things he would tell me and how much it really bothered me (though he never had ill intentions). I remembered all the negative feelings I felt when I was with him and I hated myself even more. I was so angry but yet so happy to not be there, that I didn’t care if I came off as bitch. Bc for once I was happy. Why should I ever apologize for my happiness.
People, friends, family, began to jokingly tell me that I was coldhearted and I would just laugh. But as time went on my high died down. It’s important to know that my happiness didn’t die, just this high that I was on did. I started to realize the severity of my cruelty and I felt like the worst human being. Bc this man did not deserve that. He love me wholeheartedly and was kind to me. He was truly in love with me, I just never was. He didn’t deserve the things I threw in his face.
I don’t think he’ll ever understand, and I’m so sorry about that. I wish he knew what I felt in my heart that way this could all make sense to him. I wish he knew how genuinely happy I am now and why things turned out the way the did. I wish he knew that I was never in love with him, and that knew he deserved to be with someone who was in love with him and who could love him wholeheartedly. I wish he knew I stayed with him for so long because I wanted to be that person to him, but I finally realized I could never be that person. I wish he knew that to this day that if I could take away all his pain and put it on myself, I would, in a heartbeat. I wish he knew that what I want is for him to find the happiness that I have found.
